How to Be a Professional Food Moocher in College

Dear P, 

S and I have only been here for two weeks and we have already learned how to max out on free food on campus. Well, S has it mastered and I have become her less-ballsy apprentice. 

Here are the rules of free food*:

1. Don’t be picky. You know the saying: beggars can’t be choosers.

2. Be shameless. S took a whole leftover pizza from one of our pre-med get-togethers yesterday. How? She asked the supervisor. 

3. Refuse to pay for food. Hunger will add motivation to your quest.
4. Just order drinks from restaurants with giant servings. Chances are, your friends will not finish their food and offer you some. 
5. Never turn down food. Often, people will offer their friends food and after the first person turns it down the rest of the group will turn it down because they don’t want to seem like the weird one. If you are in this position, just take the food.

*Always food-mooch responsibly to avoid the potential side effects of obesity, endangered relationships, and starvation.

Love, 

E

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