What Makes You Feel Beautiful

Hello my dearest darlingest E,

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while! I shall have to update you about SF soon, but as you know I don’t have internet in my apartment and I literally did not have a spare second this weekend to go to our little cafe with free internet, so the posts have been sporadic.

I stumbled upon this beautiful video while looking for interesting designers on tumblr (for my job.) I love the message of this video. We’ve discussed body image and body acceptance many many times on this blog and in life, and we will probably continue to discuss it as needed. I find the statistics at the beginning of this video absolutely appalling and kind of horrifying, but this is true life E.

I found myself smiling with my entire being at a lot of parts in this video. Occasionally when I look in the mirror I find that I am tearing myself apart. As you know, to me my mind and my heart will always be my number one assets. I never feel like I’m trying to “fix myself” when it comes to these things. I always want to improve myself, there is no doubt, but it’s so different. I just want to devour books like there is no tomorrow and learn all of the things and there has never been any doubt in my mind that I can fit love and acceptance for another new person in my heart. But when it comes to my body and I look in the mirror I always think “I would be so much hotter if I just lost 15 pounds, once and for all” or “I wish I had clearer skin” or I sometimes look at pretty pictures of myself and wonder if I actually look like that in real life. I don’t know why I do this to myself when I am so forgiving of other people—I can find beauty in almost every face or being and I think every person has something you can fall in love with. I don’t know E, I really just don’t know. Sometimes I feel like a goddess/warrior/superheroine/sparkling human being and sometimes I feel like I’ll never be skinny enough, pretty enough, “fuckable” enough.

I feel most beautiful when my heart hurts from how beautiful life is—a conversation that forces me rethink how I feel, a book that inspires something within me, a view that steals the breath from my chest, my favorite people (like you E, or my little brothers who would die of embarrassment if they ever saw this.)

How could a body that holds all of this not be beautiful?

Sending you love and sunshine from Cali,

P

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